MasterChef Australia Recap Rants

Here we back in another elimination for some reason. The Grey team from yesterday come into the kitchen - Aaron is feeling nervous, Dan is feeling super nervous. Andy tries to spin this nonsense elimination as “they get to cook again”. Today’s superstar chef is Massimo Bottura – who is his usual colourful, passionate self. He demonstrates his version of Mac and Cheese. He uses parmigiana water to cook the pasta, and now he’s making a parmigiana cream. This is a totally useful recipe for everyone because Parmigiano is such a cheap, readily accessible ingredient. He also encourages people to use their imagination and to use whatever they find in their fridges. He then proceeds to put in some 700 cheeses he happens to have in his fridge at that point in time and then puts the mac and cheese into the oven to bake. A few minutes later he produces the best and probably most expensive mac and cheese ever made. Katrina is inspired. Mel meanwhile is laughing at Massimo’s accent – classy

 Contestants are walking into the kitchen – turns out today is a team challenge. I guess it will be one of those relay / socially distanced team challenges. Today in superstar week we have Yotam Ottolenghi joining ….. on telepresence. Jock tries to make a few jokes about Yotam being here but not being here. He’s not here, Jock – we are all quite clear about this. Yotam talks about his new book – the very specifically named “Flavour” which apparently is all about vegetables. A whole book about vegetables? Why would one do such a thing? Yotam confesses that even his kids hate vegetables. Yotam gives parents everywhere the hack that if you want to make your kids eat vegetables, the best way to go is the deep fry them and screw all the nutrient value because who eats vegetables for that? I guess the judges and producers have realized that just having a person on screen is not enough – and the contestants need to get to interact with the chef. Else they may as well just mail it in. Sa

 Some of you are complaining that I have not actually ranted enough for a blog with the word “rant” in its name. Well, now you are getting a rant because I am extremely pissed with Episode 5. The contestants enter the kitchen wearing black aprons – another elimination? WTF? What is the sense of 2 back to back eliminations in the 2 nd and 3 rd cooks of the season? Even last year, they had one opening cook, then a team challenge, then another immunity challenge and then an elimination. The contestants need some time to acclimatize and bring their best – not to mention that the judges themselves say that the winner is rarely the best cook on the first day, you have to grow and learn over time. But now, the contestants are expected to study hard, practice, grow by leaps and bounds in *2 days*. Why not just have 24 episodes and get this season over with? I understand the producers are clearly avoiding team challenges, but surely if so many other sports / entertainment events, other TV

Welcome to the first elimination of S13 of MasterChef Australia - which is happening in the 2nd cook itself for some reason.  It starts with the usual motivational spiel about how people aren’t ready to go home, they will fight their hardest yada yada. The judges, sadistic bastards, are looking super happy that one of these contestants will be told to go home. Andy has actually dressed up like anything for this special occasion. Of course, Elise, Wynona and Therese are not cooking today. Elise puts some serious teacher’s pet vibes by saying that it will help to cook – the contestants fighting it out to survive in this competition will “meet the pantry” etc. In hindsight, it is clear that she has only studied her entire life. Today’s elimination features a MasterChef classic – the tired pun on an actual English expression. Today it is what came first - chicken or eggs? The elimination will be held in 2 rounds – contestants have to choose to cook with either eggs or chicken and <

 Okay so here we go – now that all the hyper-confident idiots who couldn’t really cook very well have been tossed, we are good to start with the actual competition. The judges inform the top 24 that they are the top 24 – which is totally new information for all present. Jock seems the most excited person in the room as he talks up the top 24 and the competition, no one reacts – so he yells himself and claps. About five minutes later, Mel tries the same thing – but most people have learnt that the best way to get through this competition to simply not take any of the judges seriously. The first challenge is to be a mystery box. The judges build some suspense that the participants don’t know who has set the mystery box – and then reveal it has been set by Emilia – the winner of S12. This for good reason gets the participants super excited. But some seem surprised – I can understand why that might be so -   because the previous winner coming for the first challenge of the new season

 Finally, the truly boring stuff out of the way, we are getting into some real mastercheffy action. Today, 16 cooks trying to get into the top 24 by cooking one of the best 5 dishes of the day. There are 2 pantries – one with less ingredients but 90 mins to cook, and one with a lot of ingredients with 45 mins to cook. Only 3 cooks – Conor, Sarah and Cameron decide to go with the small pantry. Conor wants to channel his Greek grandma, Sarah is intense and wants to make steak and chips, Cameron seems like he is just having fun and trolling everyone else. Conor has no clue what he wants to cook – also he doesn’t follow recipes. Have a feeling he is going be an entertaining addition to the mix this year. Or it is going to be one massive disaster. Time will tell.  Sarah says she is not leaving without an apron – and that judges are going to pry it out of her sticky fingers.   Cameron says the apron is his and trash talks Sarah saying they've already started embroidery on his - n

 The auditions have always been the most boring part of Masterchef for me – and this year was no exception. In fact the only reason I even watched it was to be able to write this post. As usual we start with a ton of spoilers that make this episode totally unnecessary. We get in depth views from Elise and Therese (I wonder if they will be eliminated and sent home in this episode …hmm) as well as clips from future episodes which tell us pretty much everyone who makes it to the 24. Jock comes on to say that this year we are looking for spark – saying that it is all you need in the MasterChef kitchen. Which of course is patently false and you need a lot more than that to survive even one cook – y’know like cooking skills for instance. Andy says that the contestants learn every second in the competition and that makes this competition unique. This is a promising start – maybe he will continue to make sense through this season.   (Narrator: He won’t.) Mel says food is her love langu

MasterChef Australia has returned to the air for its thirteenth season. I have decided to do something that I’ve wanted to for a long time - write in way too much detail about this show I tend to get to get too invested in for a normal person. Funny / satirical reviews of Masterchef Australia are not a new thing – there are hundreds of twitter accounts dedicated to this and several popular websites and blogs as well. My two favourites are Michelle Rennex (a culture writer at Junkee who writes on a lot more than just Masterchef ) and Ben Pobjie (who writes not just some super funny articles, but also some great poems on his website).   Since I am nowhere close to them in writing talent, I felt I should try do the same thing they do. Which is of course the totally normal, logical thing to do. That said - I don’t intend to make a clone of what they do, but you might see some similarities as some of my fandom might creep into my writing. I intend to post reviews as the week goes on