Some of you are complaining that I have not actually ranted enough for a blog with the word “rant” in its name. Well, now you are getting a rant because I am extremely pissed with Episode 5.
The contestants enter the kitchen wearing black aprons –
another elimination? WTF? What is the sense of 2 back to back eliminations in
the 2nd and 3rd cooks of the season? Even last year, they
had one opening cook, then a team challenge, then another immunity challenge
and then an elimination. The contestants need some time to acclimatize and
bring their best – not to mention that the judges themselves say that the
winner is rarely the best cook on the first day, you have to grow and learn
over time. But now, the contestants are expected to study hard, practice, grow
by leaps and bounds in *2 days*. Why not just have 24 episodes and get this
season over with?
I understand the producers are clearly avoiding team
challenges, but surely if so many other sports / entertainment events, other TV
shows and movies can manage bio bubbles, so can MasterChef. Why screw up the entire premise of the show?
There are a bunch of plinths with black tins on them – each
with a union jack. The contestants are wondering what is happening, and the
sadistic judges very giddily tell them that this is another elimination and
another one of them has gone through all this trouble to learn nothing from
this experience and will get nothing more than a couple of episodes to totally
change their life.
On this somber note, Mel is particularly excited to announce
that it is superstar week. Like read the room, woman!
First of all, why is this happening so early in the
competition? Maybe get the contestants to meet some low profile Aussie chefs,
learn from them and improve before pulling out the big guns? Secondly, why start such a motivational week
with an elimination?
Mel introduces the guest chef – leaving nothing to suspense
and everyone immediately knows its Nigella. This year the chef’s will be joining
via telepresence – and will not actually walk around and meet the contestants.
Or prepare or present their own dishes. So this is totally not like watching
Nigella on TV – this is a deeply personalized experience okay? Okay?!
The totally unnecessary elimination is going to happen in 2
rounds – the first round is a taste test. The tins on the plinths have flavored
biscuits on them and the contestants have to identify as many as they can. Bottom five go to second round.
Nigella says she feels bad that she is party to this
travesty of crushing the dreams of one wide eyed contestant – but for some
reason she is smiling through it.
Linda is stoked (why??) and Yo yo is thrilled (again,
why??). Yo yo says this is going to be super difficult, but she’s excited and
expressing it with a Captain Holt-like command of emotions.
Tommy says tasting is his strength. Conor has an excellent
wine palate – and is doubting everything he knows. Super ghissu Tom is
panicking. Brent had a couple of mints in his mouth – and now everything tastes
like peppermint. This is going to end well.
Andy doesn’t care about the challenge and is flirting with
Nigella. On brand for Andy, he has not grasped the concept of virtual presence.
He genuinely tries to give Nigella a biscuit – somehow expecting her right boob
to take it from his hands. Pervert! One more addition to the many cringe-y moments we are expect on this show.
The scores come in – Linda and Tommy have top scored with
15/18. Trust the Asians to top something you can prep for eh?
Conor has identified only 4 elements lol. Brent, Maja and
Yoyo have all identified 10 and are next to join him. There is a sudden death
biscuit-off between Dan and Tom (both have 11 correct answers) – which Tom
loses and ends up in the bottom five.
Round 2 is a pressure test which is not a real pressure test
– because Nigella has written an eloquent description of a dish which the
contestants have to decipher and cook. I do not approve of this challenge in
general – what is this a test of, reading comprehension? – and specifically,
because of the name which should not be “Pressure test” but “Sadistic Dick move”.
It is particularly surprising that the producers have decided
to bring Nigella on for such a shit challenge – and basically made her a hated
person in the kitchen immediately – when normally Nigella coming is a very
positive, fun experience for all.
The cooks have 90 minutes to understand Nigella’s description
of the dish and make it.
This is looking really bad for Brent – he is struggling to
understand the flowery language and this is not even a proper recipe. If he
gets eliminated because of this – I will throw my TV out of window and possibly
burn a few pieces of furniture.
Tom is super anxious despite being a strong dessert cook, Conor
is struggling, Maja seems to have figured this out as has Yo Yo.
Turns out they have to make a sponge cake with rhubarb and a
torched meringue. The hyper eloquent description for a sponge cake with rhubarb
seems totally pointless.
The contestants have a sheet with Nigella’s write-up which
has super important information like “She positively exults in this dish” –
Thanks! That totally helps me with how to make this. Said no one.
This is increasingly reminding me of the worst idea from
last season i.e. twist week which saw a crowd favourite Amina go home because
of a hare-brained idea of a dessert based pressure test without a recipe. It
was so bad that the normally positive Reynold was also pissed and basically
told the judges they had no clue what they were talking about saying that
desserts need proper times and proportions – it’s not an intuition thing.
Coming back to this episode – Phew! Brent has figured out it
is sponge cake a good 5-6 mins after everyone else. This is particularly good
news for my TV and assorted pieces of furniture.
Tom is giving serious terminator vibes and seems to be going
well.
Mel asks everyone on the gantry to cheer for their idiotic
idea. I’m sure all contestants are hoping that a giant pile of cowdung appears
spontaneously on top of the judges while they cheer half-heartedly.
Okay, turns out, there are some instructions in the write-up
– now this is even more stupid. Might as well have given the whole recipe.
Just as the contestants seem to be going well – another stupid
idea that makes me question why I watch this show. Nigella now shows up on
screen and asks them to make a cold custard. Firstly, this is a garbage
challenge, on top of that you have people with no recipes, on top of that there
is an elimination going on – this kind of ‘twist’ is not only illogical and
sadistic – I don’t see what exactly they are testing here. How you deal with an
asshole, whimsical boss doesn’t seem to the kind of quality you want to send
someone home for.
Conor is rightly pissed, Yo yo is less visibly pissed
because she had her cook planned out. Thankfully Brent knows how to make an
anglaise.
The contestants have figured the components but with no
times for cooking they have to rely on phrasing like “When the cakes are
cooked” and “When rhubarb has emerged tender and holding shape” which totally
do not help at all.
Brent has blazed through his anglaise and caught up. Conor
seems to be using some different recipe for the anglaise.
Yo yo has assumed Poh position i.e. staring at the oven in
despair. She’s frazzled because of the last minute addition of the anglaise.
She finally gets it done but now her rhubarbs are waaaay overdone. She gets
another batch on in the last 20 mins, but in the process overcooks her cake. Then her rhubarbs emerge undercooked – she
cannot get a break!
Nigella says she has her fingers crossed for the contestants
– while I have fingers crossed for Nigella and what the contestants are going
to do if they ever meet her. Somehow, MaasterChef Australia has managed to take
the most popular, loved chef in the world and make everyone hate her.
Mel has the nerve to say that she is finding this so stressful – like her future career depends
on an idiotic decision taken by a bunch of sadistic judges. Total let them eat make cake moment.
Nigella says she can’t believe everyone got a cake up – presumably
because she expected people to just leave the kitchen in disgust seeing the
stupidity of the challenge.
Mel says what a tough challenge – no shit Sherlock. They all
thank Nigella for her beautiful (and useless) description of the cake. And also
thank her for watching over the contestants – from 30 feet away on a small screen…..
which was a total value add for the contestants, who didn’t exchange one single
word of conversation with her and this was totally not like watching a youtube
video.
Sigh – my will to continue is breaking so let’s get over
with this dumpster fire of an episode.
Here is the tasting:
Brent’s cake first. I (and my TV) are thrilled to tell you
that he seems to have done a great job and seems safe.
Mel gives some bullshit about how ‘this is what the pressure
test is about – listening to the expert and taking what you can’ NO ITS NOT! IT’S READING A RECIPE AND FOLLOWING IT AND
MAKING A DISH OUTSIDE YOUR USUAL AUKAAT!
Conor’s cake is dense, meringue is grainy. This might be tough.
Andy’s expert comment on Maja’s cake is that it has a “beautiful
size” – I mean how hard is it to at least try to sound knowledgeable about a
freaking sponge cake. But it’s good and she seems safe.
Tom’s cake has some elements which are perfect like the meringue,
the rhubarb and the anglaise, but part of the cake is too moist as he’s added
the rhubarb juice which had caused the cake to sink.
Yo Yo’s dish as expected is not good at all. Almost
everything is not perfectly done.
Andy sugarcoats this garbage challenge – really tricky,
handled with strength and good humour. I guess he spent most of the time in the
cook hitting on Screen Nigella because none of the contestants showed ‘good
humour’ – they were all super nervous and pissed and stressed because they
couldn’t call out the idiocy of this challenge on national TV.
This season, the judges has started this thing of telling
everyone who is safe first and the person left out has been eliminated. Doesn’t
make sense as everyone is happy and clapping at being safe – and then you turn
to the person eliminated and say “Oh right, you are still here. Whoops, your
dreams are fucked lol, go home now”
Not super surprising, but Brent, Tom and Maja are safe. It
comes down to Conor and Yo Yo – and Conor survives because his rhubarbs were
well cooked.
Yo Yo is no nonsense – says she not sad about leaving the
kitchen (because fuck this show and fuck this non-challenge to throw her out), but
she is sad about leaving the guys. She can’t get out of the kitchen fast enough
and especially tries to snub the judges – who, beacons of self-awareness that
they are, force her to acknowledge them.
Let’s hope the next episode is less of a clusterfuck than
this one.
Sigh, see you for Episode 6.
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